I saw a very interesting post the other day on Facebook. A good friend of mine had posted a question asking, "How can I prepare myself as a Mother on letting my child go as they are of age to leave the nest and head off to do their own life?"
Which made me reflect back on what I wish I knew at that time in my life when my boys were ready to leave; except MOM (me) wasn't ready to let go! This made for a very difficult transition for all of us...I found it very challenging to 'let go' and I had NO one in my life to guide me how to navigate this difficult and emotional time in my life.
Parenthood is a journey filled with milestones, from first steps to first days of school, and eventually, the moment when your child legally becomes an adult. While they may still be "your baby" in your heart, your 18+ year-old is now stepping into adulthood. This is a time of tremendous growth and opportunity for them—and a time for you to learn how to loosen the reins.
Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning your role as a parent; it means shifting from managing their lives to becoming a supportive guide. Here are some steps to help both you and your adult child thrive during this transition.
1. Recognize Their Independence
At 18, your child is legally an adult. This can be an overwhelming realization for parents, but acknowledging their independence is key. They will start making decisions about their education, career, relationships, and finances. While your instincts may tell you to step in, it’s important to recognize that they have the right to make their own choices, even if you don’t always agree.
Encourage open conversations rather than trying to control their path. Let them share their dreams, struggles, and goals. This helps build trust and shows them that you respect their autonomy.
2. Shift From Authority Figure to Supportive Mentor
Throughout childhood, you were the authority figure responsible for setting boundaries and making decisions for your child. Now, it’s time to shift into the role of a mentor. Instead of telling them what they should do, offer advice only when asked and encourage critical thinking.
When they face challenges, resist the urge to “fix” everything for them. Let them problem-solve and come up with solutions on their own. This helps them develop confidence and self-sufficiency.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Just because they’re adults doesn’t mean they no longer need boundaries—especially when it comes to the parent-child dynamic. However, these boundaries will look different now. Establish guidelines around communication, such as how often you check in, how you’ll respect each other’s privacy, and how you’ll navigate family responsibilities.
Be sure that the boundaries work both ways. It’s important to respect their personal space and the choices they make, but you can also set expectations for things like contributing to household chores or communicating about their plans if they still live at home.
4. Let Them Make Mistakes - THIS is a BIG one!
One of the hardest things for a parent to do is watch their child make mistakes—especially when you could see it coming from a mile away. But mistakes are a part of growing up. Let them experience the consequences of their decisions, whether it’s overspending, choosing a job they don’t enjoy, or struggling in a relationship.
Being there to support them when things go wrong doesn’t mean you should shield them from failure. Instead, offer a listening ear and provide guidance when they ask for it. Allowing them to stumble and recover helps them build resilience.
5. Encourage Financial Responsibility
As a legal adult, your child will likely begin managing their finances more seriously. Encourage them to create a budget, pay bills, and start saving. Whether they’re in college, starting their first job, or still figuring things out, learning financial independence is crucial.
It’s easy to want to swoop in and cover costs, but letting them manage their money (and mistakes) teaches valuable life lessons. If they ask for help, consider offering financial advice rather than financial support, unless it’s truly necessary.
6. Keep the Communication Open and Judgment-Free
One of the best ways to maintain a healthy relationship with your adult child is by fostering open, non-judgmental communication. Make it clear that they can come to you with any issues or concerns without fear of being criticized. This helps ensure that they will turn to you when they really need advice or emotional support.
Instead of reacting with disappointment or frustration when they share something you disagree with, try to listen with empathy. Ask them questions to understand their perspective, and let them know that even if you don’t always see eye-to-eye, you’re proud of their efforts.
7. Celebrate Their Wins, Big or Small
As your child begins to navigate adulthood, they will experience many victories—some significant and others subtle. Whether it’s securing their first job, moving into their own apartment, or even cooking their first meal, these moments are milestones. Celebrating their wins, no matter how small, reinforces their independence and success.
Remember that their journey may not follow the path you envisioned, but it’s important to honor their unique accomplishments.
8. Accept That Letting Go Is Hard—But Necessary
As parents, we often associate letting go with a loss. In reality, it’s about giving your child the space to grow into who they’re meant to be. This stage of parenthood is bittersweet; you may feel a mix of pride and sadness as you watch them step into the world on their own.
It’s okay to feel conflicted, but remember that this is a natural part of life. Trust that you’ve done your job in preparing them, and let them know you’ll always be there to support them along the way.
Final Thoughts
Letting your legal adult child spread their wings is an emotional process for any parent, but it’s also a time filled with opportunities for both of you to grow. By stepping back and allowing them to take charge of their own life, you’re giving them the gift of independence and the chance to become the strong, capable adult they are destined to be. Also remember, one day you will NOT be there...(its inevitable will we all pass one day!) and you don't want them to be "crippled" when your passing comes about. You want them to be an independant, contributing member of society.
Let go with love, and watch them soar.
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